I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
