Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
