All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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