I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
