I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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