She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
