The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
