When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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