I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
