the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
