If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
