Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
