Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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