Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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