if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
