I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Randomize
