I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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