You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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