so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Randomize
