you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
