the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
