I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I have feelings that need drinking.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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