finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
