Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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