what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
