Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
