Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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