you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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