So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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