My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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