if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
He has the fingertips of a God
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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