What did we do last night that was yellow?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
