I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
