I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
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