Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
