It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize