foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just pee around me
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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