Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
