Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
