Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
