I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My vagina is officially offended.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
