Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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