this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
