last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize