Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
