I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
