My girlfriend figured out who you are.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
