Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
