She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
