I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
