I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
