to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
