Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
