apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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