I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
whose parrot is this?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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