It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
