but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
