my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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