Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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