we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
