a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
